Some Hearts Page 11

  I slipped into my own room and pulled my phone from my pocket.

  Some of my despair eased at the sound of Caleb’s voice. “Did you talk to her?”

  “Oh yeah. She ended shutting her door in my face and locking me out of her room. I tried to be supportive Caleb. I swear I did,” I said as I scraped away my tears with the back of my hand.

  “I know,” he said sadly. “I’m sure you did. Just…keep trying. And remember, no matter what, you’re not alone in this. I’m here and I’m willing to help in any way I can. All you have to do is ask.”

  Chapter TWELVE

  The moment I answered the phone, I knew there was a problem. I heard Noah sigh before I even said ‘hello’.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked by way of greeting.

  “Hey, Em,” he said. I could tell he was trying to infuse some cheer into his tone. He was failing miserably. “How are you?”

  How was I?

  Not great and doing worse by the second as I listened to the strained silence that was filling the air between us.

  Ignoring his question, I asked one of my own. “Is something wrong?”

  “It’s about tomorrow. You know I really want to be there.”

  My heart sank. He wasn’t going to be here. That’s what he was really trying to say. Maybe I should’ve made it easy for him. But I hadn’t asked him to come. He’d offered. He’d gotten my hopes up. He’d already cancelled on me once.

  “Uh-huh,” I said.

  “Please don’t be mad. But I don’t think I’m going to be able to make it.”

  Right. I felt my knees dissolve beneath me. I toppled onto the edge of my bed. It wasn’t just about tomorrow being the anniversary. It was about wanting to see him. Needing to see him. It was about the fact that thinking he was coming home was the only thing making the last few days bearable.

  Having that to look forward to had helped immeasurably.

  I felt my throat constrict. I didn’t speak because I didn’t want him to hear the tears in my voice. If he was canceling, there was probably a good reason. It would be thoughtless of me to try to guilt him in to coming.

  That’s what I told myself over and over.

  “It’s just, it’s such a long drive,” he said softly. “I thought maybe I could cut my first class of the morning but I just found out there’s a test. I asked if I could make it up and let’s just say that the professors here are less than understanding.”

  “It’s fine,” I said automatically because I felt as though that’s what he was expecting me to say. I felt like that’s what I should say.

  “Really?” I could hear, I could feel the weight of his relief.

  I wanted to yell, at him No, not really! I needed him. I needed him to get through the day. I needed to feel his arms around me. It wasn’t like he was simply missing a dinner date. This was huge…to me, at least. And painful as hell. I wanted him to want to be here. I wanted him to know that I needed him. I didn’t want to have to tell him. I didn’t want to admit to him how weak, how worn down, how fragile I felt.

  I wanted my silence to be enough to tell him what I couldn’t force myself to say.

  “Em?” he asked hesitantly. “Talk to me.”

  I cleared my throat. “I don’t know what you want me to say. If you can’t make it, you can’t make it.”

  “Maybe…maybe I could just take my chances with the professor,” he said. “Maybe he’d let me make up the test.”

  “No, don’t do that. Now he knows you planned on being gone. If you’ve talked to him about it, and he told you that you couldn’t make it up, he’s probably not going to let you.”

  “Dammit,” he grumbled. “I should’ve just pretended I had the flu. I just thought maybe if I was upfront, he’d cut me some slack. But yeah, I think you’re right. If I don’t show, he’ll never let me make it up. Not without penalizing my grade.”

  We were both silent for several moments. I just didn’t know what to say. It wouldn’t be fair to tell him how much I needed him here.

  “Em, can you forgive me?” he asked.

  “There’s nothing to forgive. I miss you. That’s all.”

  “I know. I didn’t think it would be this hard. I mean, I knew I was going to miss you like crazy. And I do. But classes are harder than I thought they’d be. It’s a hell of a lot harder to get away than I ever thought it would be. I feel like I spend all of my free time studying.”

  “Yeah,” I said. “I know. Same here.”

  “So you understand? Really?”

  “Really,” I tried to assure him.

  Just because I understood didn’t mean I was okay with it. He was right. This was so much harder than either of us had thought it would be.

  ***

  The doorbell rang, pulling me away from my reading. Since Noah’s call last night, I’d been keeping myself preoccupied with homework.

  What else did I have to do?

  I carefully made my way down the stairs. When I pulled the door open, I wasn’t surprised to see Caleb standing there. He held a couple of pizza boxes in his hands and a brown paper bag tucked under an arm.

  I squinted at him, trying to make sense of what I was seeing. “What are you doing? Here, I mean. With…?” I motioned to the boxes in his hands. Maybe he’d made plans with Tyler that I didn’t know about.

  “I thought I’d keep your mom and Ty company tonight. I know you haven’t seen Noah for a while and I thought it would be good for him to get you out of the house. Maybe take you out to do something fun. I wanted you to be able to go and not have to worry about things here.”

  Without warning, I burst into tears. I turned away from him and wandered toward the kitchen. He didn’t wait for an invitation, he simply followed. He also didn’t ask what was wrong, probably assuming he knew. But it was so much more than today being the day.

  Thankfully, I was able to rein the tears in. I reached for a paper towel, not caring how rough it was against my skin.

  “Yeah, you definitely need a night out,” he said softly.

  I let out a miserable laugh as I kept my back to him. “That’s not going to happen. Noah’s not coming. He couldn’t get away. I just found out last night.”

  Caleb didn’t say anything. I heard the pizza boxes scrape against the countertop.

  I went to the wastebasket and tossed the paper towel in, using that time to pull myself together. When I turned around, Caleb was leaning against the countertop.

  He gave me a tight smile and shrugged. “Who needs him, then? I brought pizza, video games, and Ty’s favorite ice-cream.”

  “That’s really sweet of you. Mom’s picking him up from practice on her way home from work. They should be back any minute. He’ll be really excited to see you,” I said.

  “What about you?” he asked. “How do you feel about me being here? With today being what it is, would you rather that I go? So you can have some time with your family? I’ll leave the pizza and other stuff for you guys.”

  “What would you do tonight?” I wondered. This day was hard on him too. I didn’t like the thought of him sitting all alone.

  “Eh,” he said with a shrug. “I’d find something to do.”

  Somehow, I doubted that. His mood dictated that he’d probably go home. He didn’t seem much in the mood for company either.

  “Stay,” I said.

  “You sure?”

  “Positive. I really appreciate all of this,” I motioned toward the countertop. “And I don’t just mean that you brought all of this over. I appreciate that you were willing to hang out with Mom and Ty tonight. To keep an eye on them. That means a lot to me.”

  He shrugged again. “It’s the least I could do.”

  “It’s more than you should have to do,” I argued. “It’s more than the food and the games. I know you’re here to keep an eye on Mom, to make sure that Ty’s okay tonight. No one else would do that.”

  The look he gave me spoke volumes. “They would do that if they knew how deep this
problem really ran. I think you should talk to Riley.”

  I didn’t want to get into this again.

  My phone, resting in my pocket, buzzed against my thigh. I pulled out it. “Noah,” I said.

  He motioned me away. “Go ahead and get it. I’ll just dig around for plates and whatever.”

  I nodded my thanks to him as I headed for the kitchen door.

  “Hi,” I said into my phone. It was the first time I’d talked to Noah today. Our class schedules were all over the place, making it hard to talk during the day.

  “How’s it going?” he asked. His voice was soft and full of concern.

  I closed my eyes as I sat on the edge of my bed. I still wished he was here, but I was grateful for the sound of his voice all the same. “It’s going okay.”

  “Are you and Riley going to do something tonight?” he asked.

  “No, she’s working.” She was working because she’d thought I’d be spending the evening with Noah. I bit my tongue, not wanting to make him feel any worse than he did. If she would’ve known he wasn’t coming to town, she would’ve taken the evening off. She’d said as much after class today.

  “Oh,” he replied. After a few moments of silence he said, “I wish I could say something to make this easier for you.”

  “Don’t worry about it. Just talking to you helps.”

  “How’s Ty holding up today?”

  “He’s not home yet so I haven’t seen him. But Caleb’s here so that should cheer him up,” I said as I glanced out the window. I thought I heard a car pull into the driveway. I was right. Mom and Ty had just arrived.

  Noah cleared his throat. “You and Caleb are hanging out?”

  “What?” I asked. I mentally backed up the conversation, trying to figure out how he’d jumped to that conclusion. “Oh. No. No, not like that. He brought pizza and some video games. He didn’t know I’d be here. He thought I’d be out with you tonight so he was going to keep Mom and Ty company. He just showed up a few minutes before you called. I didn’t know he planned on coming over. But Mom and Ty just pulled up.”

  “So Caleb’s still spending a lot of time with Tyler?”

  “Uh-huh. I think it’s good for both of them. I think it makes them both feel closer to Evan. They both seem to have a lot of fun.”

  “That’s good then,” Noah said.

  “Yeah.”

  I heard him rustling papers in the background.

  “Are you ready for your test in the morning?” I asked.

  “Not really. I plan on studying for it in a little bit.”

  “I can let you go so you can get started,” I said. I wasn’t much in the mood for small talk. “But thanks for calling. It was nice to hear your voice.”

  “Call me later if you want,” he offered.

  “Okay. Love you.”

  “Love you too.”

  The moment we disconnected, I felt the loss. I realized I should’ve kept him on the phone. I knew he’d be willing to talk. I hadn’t felt like I wanted to talk. But now that I held the quiet phone in my hand, I realized I didn’t want that either. I knew I was just in the kind of mood where nothing was going to make me happy, where nothing felt quite right.

  The front door slammed and I heard Tyler’s excited shout.

  “Caleb!”

  To my surprise, a felt my lips twitch up into a trace of a smile.

  By the time I reached the kitchen, Caleb had drinks poured and plates dished up.

  Mom glanced at me, a ghost of a smile on her face. “Well, wasn’t this a nice surprise.”

  I nodded. “I know. Caleb’s just thoughtful like that.”

  He glanced up at me and gave me a playful scowl. He was thoughtful. He just didn’t like to be called out on it.

  “Look at this, Emory!” Tyler pulled a game out of the bag. “Can we play?”

  “After we eat,” I said.

  “So, let’s get started then,” Caleb added on.

  The evening passed in what could almost be considered a pleasant haze. The games that Caleb had brought kept us all entertained. Mom declined playing but she sat back and watched. I wasn’t sure she was really seeing anything, but when Tyler would whoop in excitement, she at least tried to act pleased for him.

  It was nearing Ty’s bedtime when Mom lifted herself off the couch. She headed toward the kitchen. I narrowed my eyes in her direction. I didn’t like the way she’d slunk off. She was going for a drink. I just knew it. She’d made it this long. The day was almost over. Could she really not just deal without alcohol?

  I reached toward the coffee table, ready to set my controller down. Caleb grabbed my wrist.

  “You and Ty keep playing. I’m going to go check on her,” Caleb said.

  I had a feeling he was going to do more than that. When they didn’t come back for a long while, I knew I was right.

  When Mom finally reappeared, her eyes were rimmed in red. She was hugging her arms around her waist as she forced a small smile for Ty and me.

  “I think I’m going to call it a night,” she said.

  I nodded. “Okay.”

  She moved toward us, leaning over to first kiss Ty on the forehead, then me.

  “I love you both so much,” she said, her voice shaking and strained. Tyler scooted forward, wrapping his arms around her waist.

  “We love you too, Mom,” I assured her.

  “Ty, you ready for bed, honey?” Mom asked. She still had enough of her wits about her to know what his answer would be. Of course he wasn’t ready for bed. Before he could say that, she nudged him forward. “Come on, I’ll tuck you in.”

  Ty glanced at me and then moved in for a hug. I hugged him back tightly, wiping his hair away from his forehead as I pressed a loud, silly kiss to it. “I love you, buddy. I’ll check on you before I go to bed, okay?”

  “I love you too,” he said. “Thanks Caleb!”

  Caleb nodded and looked surprised when Ty dove at him, hugging him around the waist. Caleb hugged him back, a somber look settling onto his face. “Good night, Ty.”

  Once they were gone, Caleb turned to me. His lips were pursed, his expression stoic.

  “Whatever you said to her, thanks for that,” I told him.

  “I didn’t say much. I just reminded her that Evan wouldn’t approve of her drinking. I asked her if opening a bottle of wine was really how she wanted to honor his memory.”

  “You were gone for a while,” I pointed out.

  He nodded but didn’t elaborate.

  I let it drop. I knew if he wanted me to know what had been said, he’d tell me. He set to work, cleaning up the living room, popping the games back in their cases.

  “Are you heading home now?” I asked.

  “I was thinking about it,” he said. “But I don’t really feel like going home. I don’t know what I’m going to do. What about you? You heading to bed?”

  I shook my head. “No. I’m feeling a little too wired to sleep. Maybe I’ll go for a walk.”

  “It’s dark out,” he unnecessarily pointed out. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

  “I need to walk off some of this energy.”

  “I’ll come with you.”

  I didn’t argue and for the longest time, we just walked in silence. No one else was out this late at night. There were almost no cars. Very few windows had lights glowing behind them. All of the houses in our neighborhood were nice, upscale. They looked so well cared for. I wondered how many of these people kept messy secrets behind there tightly closed doors.

  “I can’t say I’ve ever gone for a walk before. It’s kind of nice,” Caleb said, finally breaking the silence. We’d almost made the entire loop that circled around our neighborhood.

  “It helps me clear my head,” I admitted. “I like how quiet it is out here. On a night like tonight, it just helps me relax.”

  “Can I ask you something?”

  I nodded.

  “Is it getting easier? Evan being gone, I mean? I remember after it happen
ed, everyone kept saying ‘give it time’ and I thought they were full of BS. But now, I don’t know. I still miss the hell out of him but I’ve been thinking that maybe they were right.”

  “Every once in a while I realize I don’t miss him quite as much as I did at first. Or that I don’t hurt quite as bad as I used to,” I admitted. “And then I feel guilty because I feel like it’s an insult to his memory not to miss him. You know?”

  We turned into my driveway and I was tempted to ask if we could finish another loop. But I’d already been greedy enough with his time.

  “Yeah, I do, actually. I feel the same way. I just keep reminding myself he wouldn’t want us to be miserable. You know he wouldn’t. If the roles were reversed, you’d want him to be able to move on, to stop hurting. Right?”

  I didn’t even have to think about it. “Right. No one should have to hurt like this. Not ever.”

  “I think maybe, you should take it one step further. I think he’d want you to try to get past this. I think he’d be proud of you. I think he’d be proud of how strong you are. So whenever you feel like it’s not okay to move on, think of that. Think of what Evan would want you to do.”

  I shook my head. “I’m not strong at all.”

  “Sure you are. Your mom, I mean no disrespect, but she’s the one that needs a crutch. She’s the one that’s not coping. You’re taking care of her, yourself, Tyler. Don’t ever think that you’re not strong. Even if you need help sometimes, don’t be afraid to ask. Sometimes, it takes more strength to find the courage to ask for help than it does to try to handle everything on your own.” He was quiet a moment but his eyes never left my face. “Are you hearing me? I mean really hearing me?”

  I nodded. I was. “Thank you. I think you just said exactly the right thing.” My arms reflexively went around his neck. I knew he was hurting too. I wanted him to know that I was there for him, just like he was there for me.

  He squeezed me into his arms and it was as if I could feel his pain. I stayed where I was a moment, not quite ready to pull away. Finally, I realized maybe the hug was becoming inappropriately long. I moved back, intending to put some distance between us.